not too broken

standing on this side of glory

2009-10-11T14:31:00.004-05:00

Do you remember the first time your fell and scrapped your knee and your dad picked you up and took care of you? Or how about the time when your first love broke your heart and you cried on your mom's shoulder the whole night and she held you tight and told you it was going to get better? Or do you remember the first time you got on your knees and prayed, I mean really prayed and accepted the gracious gift of the love of Christ?

The Lord has been so gracious to me, so merciful. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Why would the Almighty all powerful God care about me and what I do. I have written about what has been going on this past year and the changes in my life. Here's the thing I have become good at living almost a double life. I know the talk and I know the walk and it's easy to go throught the motions and let certain people see only certain aspects of your life. Well I take it back it really isn't easy to do, it is tiresome and heavy with burden. But all things hidden in darkness shall be brought to the light in God's timing.

I have found a church here which I love and adore. When I first moved south and was looking for a church to call home it wasn't hard to find a church building filled with people on a Sunday morning. However, finding a church that Christ ment the church to be was not as easy. It is the worst feeling in the world to walk into a place that is suppose to be welcoming and non judgemental but you know that you are being judged just because of the way you look. People see piercings and tattoos and different colored hair and assume they know all about you. So walking into a building that is filled with the spirit of love and mercy and kindness is a beautiful thing. My church is small and doesn't offer all the special little things that a larger church does. But it is filled with the love and hope of the promise of Christ. God's word is taught and desired there. People have not judged me because of the way I look or the fact that I am not sitting in a pew every time the doors are open.

During the past year the Lord has been working on my heart. At first it was a soft whisper that if I was quiet I could hear. I didn't listen very well. But the Lord has been steady at work. The more quiet I became and the more I yearned for the Lord, the more I could hear Him whispering to me. A few Sundays ago I was sitting in church listening to the teaching, wondering what the sermon had to do with me. My spirit cried out. I was convicted and wanted to fall on my knees right then and there; i still tried to ignore what the Spirit was telling me. It was made clear that I needed to start changing some things in my life. The Lord of course provided the way. I have been concerned that perhaps there is no hope of true change and then the Lord sent some encouragement. I was told the other day that my face looks brighter, perhaps I am allowing the light of Christ to shine through. At least I hope for that.

A good friend said to me the other day that it is wonderful to be on this side of the fence. Meaning that when we are in God's will and listening to what His Spirit is trying to tell us we are on the right side. This side of the fence and this side of glory is not always the easiest or the most comfortable. There is no other place I would rather be. Without Him what is there? My prayer is to be the woman He wants me to be, to let His light shine through me, and to try to be more like Jesus to those around me. I suppose that is my prayer for those around me too.

walls are crumbling down

2009-09-08T06:07:00.003-05:00

i sit here and think
i lie here and question
am i running, running from You
So far from home such a long distance to travel
i have the world before me but i am so lost
I stretch out my hand to You and snatch it away
do you understand, do you know how it feels
sitting here thinking
lying here questioning
i have built a wall
a barrier to keep You out
looking for a way out
looking for a way to stay safe inside the walls
looking for a way to keep You out
You don't know what it's like
i sit here and ponder
i lie here asking You why
there is so much to do and so much to say
not enough time
You come knocking on the wall
looking for a way in
sitting here thinking
lying here wondering
how do i respond when I have kept You out so long
i have grown accustom to relying on me
independence and pride are the mortar
bitterness and malice the clay
i know what You say
say what You mean and mean what You say
how could You understand and how could You know
i sit here thinking
i lie here questioning
Your knock is getting softer
or is the wall getting thicker
You found a weak spot
You whisper through the crack
why do You call my name
why do You wait for me
here You come with a sledge hammer
what can one Man do
what can one Man say
i hear You calling
i see You coming and realize You never left
You do know
You do understand
the walls are crumbling down
i lay here bare scared to show You
tumbling down all around me
where do i go from here
sitting here thinking
lying here waiting
scared of what You might find
afraid of what You'll see

Please come rescue me

Moving Forward

2009-08-20T17:19:00.002-05:00

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love. --John Brantner

Does grief ever stop? Does it ever hurt less to remember? Do memories of a better time ever stop being bittersweet? I have tried to detach. I have tried to allow my heart to become hard and brittle. It doesn't work for me. I honestly don't know how it works for people. My Creator made me, made all of us for relationship. To be in a relationship with HIM and with those around us. The desire to be with and to love on people is too great in me. It comes with a cost.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of anemotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system.Here lies the road to recovery.-- F. Alexander Magoun

I have shed many tears, enough for a life time of hurt and sorrow. I have tried to hold it in. That is like filling a bucket up with water and never shutting the hose pipe off. Eventually the extra water has to go some where and some times it causes damage. I recieved a phone call from an old friend about a month ago. He had a message for me. Which in and of itself does not sound all that strange or out of the ordinary. However it was how he recieved the message and who it was from. He simply told me to scream if I want too. I need to, I needed to hear that too. Sadly I still haven't taken the time. Maybe that is my problem with grief, I don't allow myself to grieve properly.

~ To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness ~ ~ To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness ~

So there I am walking through the dark valley, feeling alone and helpless at times. There are shadows lurking, most likely ghosts from the pasts or skeltons I try to keep hidden. The truth is I am not alone. The truth is that I have an inner joy and a peace. Some times my valley gets dark and cloudy. If I keep walking though the storm comes and it seems to clean everything up. It is the rejuvenating kind, the one that comes at the edge of a major drought. The truth is I want to be who my Creator has made me to be. I am not sure what that entails right now. During this time I need to allow HIM to show me who I am because of His sacrafice. The journey may be long or short. At times it takes all I have not to give up. But the end is so worth the trials of getting there.

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Ashley Smith

Today I decide to move forward. Today I am going to fight for my dreams and today I am going to smile because what I have waiting for me at the end of all of this is better than anything I could ever imagine!

Don't stop traveling

2009-06-07T22:23:00.005-05:00

"I may never get there, but I won't stop traveling."
My brother and his girlfriend just ended there visit with me tonight. I took them to the bus station and said good bye. I think I am going to stop saying goodbye, I am not found of the word and the emotions that are attached to it. It was not an easy task letting them go back on the bus, but life is not easy or the journey through life. It has been a very difficult few months for me; more recently with the loss of my grandma. So, having them here was such a healing experience for me. The Lord has blessed me with one true good friend here. I am so thankful for that, but it is extremely trying at times without my small group and my family being down the street from me.
I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Meditating on the person that I was, the person that I am, the person that I want to be, and the person God intends me to be. It has been interesting, funny, and a little sad at times. I realized that in the past four years I have changed tremendously. I went from being this young woman "on fire for the Lord" full of hopes, dreams and aspiring for great things, to a sad young woman who did not stand up for herself and her wants and needs and who had lost the dream of what she could be. Those were the first three years of the previous four. This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. It has been a crazy year full of irresponsibilties and self discovery. In my last major relationship my ex was straight edge through and through, which was a good thing, and one of the many things I appreciated about him. It also helped to keep me out of a lot of trouble. Until now. A year alone, truely alone, no real relationship, no one to hold me accountable or say what the hell are you doing? I had fun most of the time. I have no responsibility to anyone other than myself, so I was able to goof off and not worry about it. Until now that is.
I realized that I am not going to get younger and I am running out of time to correct my mistakes, running out of time to say I will have it taken care of by the time I am thirty. I know I am not old or close to old. Some days I feel old, I feel worn down and beat up, I feel like I have an old soul. So now it is time to move on. Sure I could still keep the oarty going, but for what reason? I want more from life, I want my life to have more meaning than that. I want to be more. The dreams and aspirations of a younger more optomistic girl are starting to creep back. Have you ever had the sense that there is something more to life than all this day to day bull shit? I have that feeling in the very pit of my stomach everyday! If I know nothing at all I know that this is true, there is more, way more. I might not reach those stars while I am still breathing on this giant blue planet, but when day, when my time comes I will reach those stars and I will have that more that is promised to me. Until then I want to be on the best journey possible. Some times it is a struggle all the way up, however, there are the brief moments when you reach a small platue and things are even for what seems the briefest of time. It is at these times I need to be especially careful. We all do, these times can make us complacent and we get stuck there. I don't ever want to be stuck. I feel like I am stuck now, at least I was. My grandmother's unexpected death really woke me up....once I sobered uped. I want more for my life. So even though I honestly have those days that I want to give up, I want to end my journey right where I am, I won't. I may never get to where I am going, I may never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I will never stop traveling. The journey is long and the road is rough,; but if there are even brief encounters of joy and peace and true love, it is worth it in the end.

please forgive me

2009-06-01T22:53:00.001-05:00

My head and heart spin in millions of different directions. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I suppose my expections are too high and there are too many holes to fix. I look around me and I see him the dark shadow standin just out of sight lingers near day and night. This little light is suppose to shine strong and bright but I wore out the batteries the fire is slowin dying.
i found the man of my dreams. He was sent from the stars above I thought just for me. This time around it was the hare that won. So much for slow and steady wins the race. I dont know what to think i dont know what to feel. I know have an addiction to a connection that's so real. It's surreal when you are loving me. I sometimes imagine the chemistry. I don't know how to say bye how do I let go when you are the only thing I have left? The fractions of moments I spent in your arms were enough to carry me through a life time, but so much has been ripped away.

Please forgive these tears. They are a special blend of joy and sorrow, the most bittersweet of all. I would still drink of it every opportunity. So please forgive me forgive my tears and my heart's desires.

Learning to crawl

2009-06-01T15:39:00.002-05:00

Autopilot does not last forever. I speak this with way too much experience behind those words. I wish I knew how to cope better. I wish I believed it would get better with time. In my head I know my heart will never be the same. I tried to do the right thing. I suppose when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, sometimes there is no sugar.

There is so much happening, spinning and swirling around me I dont remember which direction I was going in. Loosing my grandma was hard. I was going through the motions and trying to stay a float but it is all a blur. Now I suppose I need to deal with but I don't know how when everything else is being stirred in the same pot. How do you seperate the different ingridients? I suppose you don't.

I know I need to crawl before I can walk but you is here to teach me to crawl?

spinnin round and round

2009-05-25T13:43:00.002-05:00

i am so lost
my world has been turned upside down
spinning and spinning over and around again and again
mr grim seems to be all around me
takin those closest to me
smoke on some purple tryin to forget my woes
sip on some red drinkin the days away.
i dont know where to begin or where to end.
hundreds of miles away from my foundation
i dont know where to begin or where to end.

do not stand at me grave and weep

2009-01-12T23:05:00.001-06:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

...whispering...

2009-01-02T11:10:00.002-06:00

...because whispering into the wind never feels right...

The year 2008 has been full of twists and turns and adventures and heart ache and misery and joy. I dealt with the death of my best friend, because for the first 6 months I pretended it didnt happen. I was in love with a man that at that time could never love me. Much to my dismay we were not ment to be, I was not good for him, he was not good for me. I had to end that relationship, which was extremely difficult.

"the memory of loving you, time won't take that away. it'ld be easier to die"

I loved Patrick. I loved him with my definition of love and with his. By the time our relationship was over I was in a horrible place. I didn't know me, I had no slef respect or esteem and I realized I didnt really know him, because he didnt want me to. But it is ok. I was heart broken for a long long time, but i ended the relationship not just for me but because i wanted him to be happy and happy was not with me.

i struggled a lot with this relationship, my feelings for this man and my emotional state during the relationship and after the relationship. thankfully i serve a great God and He is faithful and He pulled me through a dark dark time.

"one day at a time -- this is enough. do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."

one day at a time, i had to live that out to it's fullest meaning. there were some days i had to live out one minute at a time. i made it another year. i hope that i have learned much and that i have given as much as possible.

"...there are people that cross our lives in tiny fractions of time in the briefest of encounters and yet they leave an indebtable mark in our hearts and our minds..."

I have been blessed to have many great people cross my path. I hope that I have been able to learn something from each one and that i, one day, will be able to leave a mark in someone's life the way they have mine. ended my relationship caused me great pain. being in that relationship caused me great pain. "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end. " ~ Benjamin Disraeli. i didnt want it to end, but the Lord knew that it needed too, and so it did. it had to. " Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one - neglect. " --James Bryden. It was deing and taking me with it.

I wouldnt give up even a secound of that relationship. even the nights i cried myself to sleep. i learned from the man that i loved so much and i pray that he learned something from me too. "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" my pray for the future is that i dont become hard hearted but that i become stronger and learn to compromise instead of giving up who i am.

so now i have dealt with the loss of my relationship and still try to deal with the loss of my friend whose life was taken quite suddenly. it causes me great saddness to think that my dear friend will not be at my wedding or see my children. it causes a deep hurt to think that he is not out there loving on people because that what Jesus does. but he was one of those people that crossed my life and left me different.

"Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, "Yes," and hope will reappear." -- Monroe Forester

i have hope for the future. my Creator has taught me more about myself in the past 6 months than i had learned in the past 3 years. I pray I will be open to what He has in store for me and I pray i will allow Him to mold me into the woman that He has called me to be. Good bye my dear sad friend of 2008. i welcome changes and growth and new experience and new love in 2009!

thank you to all those that have left an impact on my life, even if at the time it was painful even if i hadn't realized until now how wonderful it was to have you there.

there is one thing you should know i dont have to live this way....i wanna a love like that

2008-11-12T23:25:00.002-06:00

So I get myself into situations that probably are not the best. I do things that I never thought in a million years I would do. Then it comes back to slap me in the face. Life is full of learning and I need to learn things the hard way. A friend once called it lessons to the heart, and usually it goes straight to my heart. There is so much I would like to say, unfortunately I dont know who my audience or even if I have an audience.
There are still plenty of things that I can share. Life seems good today. I am tan and the sun shines here more then I thought was possible this side of the equator, I have people all around me that love me, I am slowly (but surely) loosing weight, and my self esteem is better then it has been in years. I do miss home, I miss my mom and my true friends, I miss my church and the fellowship of other believers. But life is always good when you get to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. I know that it may sound corny and cheesey and christianisey but it is more true than anything else. I pray right now that the message does not fall on deaf ears but rather that the Lord opens ears and removes the scales from eyes....
I miss the smell of fall in the air and the crispness of the breeze, I miss going to niagara falls and skiing.
I am learning that I am an attractive young lady and that I dont think it is so much my looks and as much as what God does in my life. He has blessed me greatly and I pray that I continue to grow in HIM and that I would allow HIM to grow me to be the woman he wants me to be. Even though I make stupid choices.
People confuse me. Mostly people of the opposite gender. I am thankful that I ended my relationship with my ex though. I think he is a good man, and there are many times I miss him. But the more I learn who I am again, the more I learn how much I gave up for him and that he was not right for me, and as much as I wanted to be that one person to make him happy and whole it wasn't me. I still check in on his life. When I use to do this it would make me terribly sad, now I am not sad for me but for him. After a month of dating someone I dont think you can be in love, it is called infatuation especially if it is a long distance relationship. He was not able to give me what I needed and I did not want to live that way. I want a love that is going to last a lifetime through hell and high water and a love that folks will be jealous of... it will not be a love that was made of men but a true love that comes from my magnificant creator!

today history was made

2008-11-04T22:37:00.003-06:00

I have watched and been a part of history. I am yet to determine if it is good history, unfortunately I do not believe there are good times ahead. Today is November 4, 2008, election day. One way or another history was going to be made in the United States of America. Either we were going to have the first female vice president or the first black president. I am here to tell you that Barack Obama has just won the highest seat of power in the good ole USA. The very first black president will be sworn into office in January. It has been a journey and the American people have voted. We shall see what happens. I have hope though, not hope in people or princes of this world, but hope because I know that the King of Kings is the true ruler and I can trust in HIM. (psalm 118:9)
Today has been an eventful day for me. I was waken by a phone call from my mom. She informed me that a man that affected many peoples lives had died last week. He was young, 56 yrs old, and he had a massive heart attack. Al Salidino was one of my professors ar NCCC, he was a good man. My mom made a comment that I have felt deep in my sould for the past year. She said that today, life seems a little bit shorter. Life does seem shorter. A little later in the early afternoon I had a strange phone call. I felt like I had been found out. There are times I try to stay under the radar. I like to be unnoticed. The phone call shook me up a little bit. After a good lunch with a good friend, I voted. I am priviledged to have the option to vote and I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to vote, so I did. Later on I watched on television as some big history has taken place. My cousin and I were talking the other day about how our children and grandchildren will be reading all the things that have taken place in our life time in their history books.
We have grown up in time of war. It seems that our country, my country has been in war since I can remember. Unfortunately, we have also been witnessed to the largest attack on our country since Pearl Harbour. September 11, 2001 will never be forgotten and I was there. I was accross the bridge when the planes crashed into those two unshakable towers. My grandchildren one day will ask me about that day and sadly I will remember as though it just happened. My children`s children will read about that state of our economy and how it has not been this bad since the great depression, and they will ask me what it was like. Now I fear for the future of my beloved country. There is a part of me that fears for my future president`s life. I am proud that the majority of our country has been able to see black and white as equal. However, it only takes one ignorant person, one person that is so blind by hatred to end a mans life for no other reason than the color of his skin. Because of this I will be in prayer for the safety of my future president.
I suppose that the above is what is happening in my life on a larger scale. On a smaller more emotinal and closer scale there is also a lot happening. I am on my way to finding a church. It would be helpful if I did not have to work every other Sunday, but it will work out. I realized as I was talking with my friend the other night that one of the things I miss most about home is having my church family there around me. Having my dear friends near me that share my safe beliefs and passions is something I miss greatly. I hope to be able to find that here. There is a small piece of me that fears that I will never be completely over Patrick. Sometimes I still want to call him up and ask what he thinks about a certain topic or get his advice on how to do a certain thing. There I times when I miss his mysterious eyes and holding his face in my hands. But there is too much there that was so unhealthy for me, so damaging to the person I was and am trying to be, that I am greatful I do not have his eyes near enough to catch his gaze from accross the room, or the relationship to be able to call him when ever. For the most part I am over Patrick. There will always be a place for him in my heart. I will always care about him and his well-being. But it no longer upsets me that I was not the one for him, and that he is not the one for me. Life does go on. As the old adtage says ...it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...here's to lost love and new hope.

what have you done

2008-10-12T00:44:00.002-05:00

the teasing is flirting
how could i not have known what was coming
i was thinking about you last night, that is not good
there in the quite crowd
there up the three flights
there you slowly and gently lifted your hand to my face
ever so slightly you moved the hair from my eyes
carefully your lips moved closed to mine
ever so softly you touch yours to mine
in the quiet loudness we were some place else
this is not love perhaps lust
but it makes me feel alive again
it reminds me i am a woman
it tells me i am beautiful
i run my tounge over my lips
and you give me that look
the one that tells me not to stop but if i dont
you take to me a place
a place that i dont really know
one that has been locked away and not shown the light of day
there is something that stands in the way
should i run in the other direction
do i show you who i am
thank you for opening these forbidden doors
but are you going to walk through or just stand in the doorway

talk is cheap

2008-10-12T00:02:00.003-05:00

I sometimes get overwhelmed when I realize how incrediably blessed I am. Not because I have so much, not because I have tons of money not because of any other reason then I am loved. Somebody recently told my aunt that I was spoiled. It got me to thinking that I am in a way. I don't have a lot of material things, nor do I have tons of money. See I have some folks that I call family, and they consider me family. Growing up in my home was not the most pleasantexperience for me, it was quite the opposite, but the good Lord had some thing planned for me (as He always does).

My family is made up of a wonderful mother (the best i think), who is simply a woman of God that took me under her wing and mentored me and became a surregant mother; a father who is full of quirks and some how I am very much like him considering I am not his blood daughter ( nuture won out on this one i suppose); four brothers (their sons) a great sister in law and an incredibly awsome nephew! See they choose to have me in their family, which makes it all that more special. I dont think that I will ever be able to express my gratitude for them, I pray that one day I will be able to return the favor. So I suppose in that way I am spoiled. I also have a few select folks in my biological family that care alot about me and I live in a stable home.

I recently moved south, for how long I am not sure. It has been a learning experience for me, as I was hoping it would be. I am learning to be me again, I am getting to know my biological dad's side of the family more, I am finding my passion for life and love and the Lord again. I am discovering what MY goals are and what MY interests are. One thing that I learned is that I dont ever want to become bitter and cold toward people and life. I see what it does to people and frankly it is just plain ugly. I dont need, nor do I want a man in my life to make me happy. For a long time I didnt think I was anything special. For a few reasons I thought this. One was because I did not listen to what God said about me and the other reason is because my significant other acted as though I was nothing special for far too long. Well I am slowly discovering that I am a beautiful person inside and out. Men find me attractive, who knew. I have learned that people are hateful no matter who they are are to you, but I dont have to be this way. I can continue to love on people because that is what I am called to do.

I say all these things and am slowly putting my words into action. Honestly it is easier for me to be hatefully back and to judge and just simply be bitch. But deep down I dont think that is the way I am. I am learning to be me. I am also learning what is special to me and what are the things I like to do. After 3 years of doing what someone else always wanted to do i forgot what I like. Some one recently asked me what are some things that I enjoy. This should not have been a hard question, but sadly it was. So lots of learning.

A few years ago I went to a conference at my home church. I dont remember much from it. However, the one thing that I do remember is that the speaker basically said that we should not let the way people treat us or react to us effect the way we treat them or act toward them. We never know what happened to that person before their interaction with us, it may not have been a pleasant one, so treat them with kindness and respect no matter what and give them the benefit of the doubt. It does no good to let things bother us. So I try, I am not always successful at it, but I try to find the good in all people and try to see things from their perspective. I pray that the Lord teaches me to do this more and more every day.

electric

2008-10-05T23:53:00.002-05:00

i look over my shoulder and there you are
you stand at about 5'8 taller than me
there is something about the way you look at me
it takes a while i am not easily caught
i guard what i have
because what i have is not a lot
but there is the way you look and me
it takes me a while to catch on
a twinkle in my eye and a slight smirk on my face
i am head over heals for you
girl you must know that i am head over heals for you
like little kids we play
you toss something in my direction
i throw a comment your way
i see you more on "A" days then my family
one morning you ask a simple question
i give a simple answere
girl you know you are gonna get me in trouble
dont look at me that way
some how i am captivated
i let down the gaurd just enough to let you see in a little
please come help me i dont know where this is
just so we could have a few moments alone
i will find ways to bring you closer to me
does he know what he is asking for
girl i just want to touch you
is your skin soft
up three flights of stairs we go and slowly walk down the see-through floor.
girl if you look at me with those eyes....
those eyes are going to cause trouble
then the slight touch of your strong hand
first you slip it on one side then the other hand on the the right
you draw me ever so close
not too close, that will cause problems
but that touch sends hot chills up my spine
a feeling that has not been there in a while
it electrifies my soul
who knew a simple touch could ignite such a big flame
i had forgot that was there

humbled and other ramblings

2008-10-05T22:49:00.003-05:00

Have you ever felt like someone just took the rug right from under your feet and let you fall flat on your face? Have you thought that "Yea i deserved that". I thought perhaps I have felt that way I have been in that spot before. Perhaps I have, but if one thing is for sure it is that I am in that spot right now. My God has knocked me off my pedestal and is bringing me back to him. Praise Jesus He has never taken His grace from me. Yes I am humbled, and I am being broken. But what a marvelous place to be sitting in. It sucks, but it's like that analogy of the refiner. i tried to tell the story of the refiner but i did it no justice so this is what a refiner does and how it relates to my God in my life.

"...As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

See God is holding me in his fire, and he will not take his eyes off me until the day he sees his image in me. I pray he keeps his eyes on me and keeps me in the center of that fire till the day He calls me home. I know that I am so far from perfect and so far from being like him that it is going to take my whole life being held in the center of the fire.

Some days will be easier then others. Some days I am going to feel the heat like no other. But i pray and beg that I will keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of my life. Being broken hurts, it hurts right down to the core of my very being. But it is so worth it.

So I have written a lot about Patrick and how hurt and sadden I am by that relationship. When I ended the relationship I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. I knew that there were going to be nights that I cried myself to sleep, and I knew there were going to be days that were unbareably lonely. I did expect that to end relatively soon though. I did not think that four months later I would still be feeling the same way. The relationship had some really good things going for it. But there were too many aspects of the relationship that were not healthy. By the end of our 3 year journey together I think we were both pretty miserable. There were many things I had given up to make a man happy, I gave up myself, My relationship with my Creator, the closeness I had with my family and many more things. I could tell that he was not happy, not with me anyway, not any more. I loved him with my whole being, and I would do anything to ensure his happiness. Even if that ment ended ourrelationship. So that is what I did. Boy, what a adventure that has been.

The thing is I think I am finally ok. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little every now and again. But I know that God has this amazing other person out there for me. Someone I have known for most of my life told me one time that when she thinks of my future she sees in this wonderful marriage, the kind that folks are jealous. She sees me with a person that evens me out but still has the same kind of passion I do. I can't wait!

I realize more and more everyday how incredibly blessed I am. I just have this gut feeling that if I allow God to work his hands in my life there are great things for me. Let me rephrase that, He is going to use me for hisgreat things. I have a passion for the love of Christ and I want to share that with everyone. I was always terrified to speak in public in front of anybody, much less large groups of people. Now I have a great desire to be a speaker of Gods truth to huge groups of people! First I need to get through the next few years and really learns some life lessons. Or as my friend refers to them, lessons to the heart.

buried mess

2008-09-14T16:09:00.002-05:00

i look in on your life from a 17 inch screen.
i am not sure what i am looking for and scare of what i might see.
it reads as though you may have given your love to someone else
some one who is not me, it makes my heart break into a million pieces
my heart is a puzzle that can not be put back together, my soul is hidden deep underneath all those million pieces, my mind is a tangled weave.
for 3 long years i looked into those cloudy eyes
searching for something that wasn't there
i gave up my happiness gave up myself and in return i just got a blank stare
3 years felt like a life time with all that we had been through, so many special people lost
so much time had passed.
i look back and wonder where i went wrong, what had i did what more could have been done.
if you love someone let him go if h loves you he will come back
i hold back the tears when i realize you are not coming back.
it is time to move on, it is obvious you already have.
it is time for me to find myself, and to stop waiting for your approval
there is someone out there who s going to love me and i wont have to try i wont have to fight
the fought is gone from within me it is time i search for my soul in the buried mess of my heart.

life, love, forgiveness....

2008-09-09T23:18:00.003-05:00

So I have been doing a lot of thinking, which usually only gets me into trouble. I have been doing more praying, which I dont do enough of. But here's the thing I am messed up, we all are. I try to be constantly learning and growing, and I hope that I will never stop learning and growing, because if I stop then it's over. I had so much I needed to say, so much I needed to get out and I just can't compial my thoughts. I do know that I have a lot to learn about forgiveness. See the one thing I do know about it is that it is not a feeling but a decision and an action. But I have the hardest time forgiving certain people. When all I want is an acknowledgement of the wrong they did to me, not even an apology, just that person to admit they wronged me, I won't ever get it. There are only 2 people in my life that I want this from. One of those people is my biological mother. More recently I have started to let go of that. The other is my ex. I broke up with him, I did this for many reasons. But I love him with every fiber in my being. This makes for a lot of heart ache. I read about him from a 17 inch screen and know that he is happy with someone else. I suppose when you truely love someone you let them go because you want them to be happy, i mean truely happy, not content, not comfortable. The thing is this man that I was and slightly still am in love with wronged me in a few ways. Some how it all turned around to be my fault. I finally had the courage to tell him everything I knew and how hurt I was, and it was still my fault. I dont want an apology, or I love you, I, as I have stated before, was acknowledgement. I realize this is not going to happen. See I love Jesus, and I believe in his word. There is a lot in that book. But the 2 major points are love and forgiveness. Easier said then done. I have a hard time with fogiveness. I want acknowledgement of the wrong done before I forgive someone, but here is the thing, that is not the example jesus gave us. He didnt wait for us to say we were wrong, he forgave us first. There was so much that happened the past 3 years and I want in the worst way to come out of it a better woman. It is just taking a little longer than I would have hoped. I think that that I am on my way there. Not only did I loose my heart in my past relationship, but I lost who I was all together and my close relationship with the Lord. I remember how important reading God,s word is and spending time with him is. My ex is not the only one I need to forgive, I need to forgive, my birth mother and father. I need to forgive myself. See I know I am not perfect, I have done some things I am not so proud of. For that I am sorry, and I ask for forgiveness. My mom once told me that you will make the most mistakes in your 20s, well I am ready for my 20s to be over. I am ready to start loveing those who are not lovable and forgiving those that I feel so hurt by.

mercy ... grace... peace... not a 3 step formula

2008-08-25T00:50:00.000-05:00

First let me start by saying that I am not too sure why I write. I don't think that anyone actually even reads this, so I suppose I could just write in a journal. writing has become some sort of outlet for me. So I continue.

See i posted a blog on my myspace ( myspace/notchrissy.com ) with song lyrics in it from jars of clay, worlds apart. It is a great song and it carries many memories for me. See I love Jesus. I hate to call myself a christian because it comes with so many bad ideas and stigmatisms. Because there are plenty of "christians that act more like jackasses then Christ like. To me loving Jesus means a few things. Some of which I suppose I will share and some of which I am still learning and some of which is personal. From what I can interpret from reading the Bible, God is a relational being so loving Jesus means being ina relationship with him. Since the day I made the decision to follow Christ, I have been trying to figure out exactly what that means.

I can tell you what it does not mean. It does not mean being judgemental. It does not mean to be vindictive and malicious. It means to forgive, to give folks a secound chance, to step up and love the unlovable. It means doing all the things that are easy, like asking some one for forgiveness when you have wronged them or letting someone's ignorant comment blow away in the breeze instead of snapping back. It means helping out the person that has hurt you the most.

I have been reading Searching for God knows What by Donald Miller. (Read BLUE LIKE JAZZ) and he talks about how there is no formula to put christianity into, not the ruthless hating protesting kind of christianaity, but the loving kind. See I don't like being called a christian, as I have said before and I don't like being called religious. I think donal miller explains it well for me. "The very scary thing about religion to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out, and as my (Donald Miller's) pastor, Rick, says, "disessected an put into jars on a shelf"" That is why I don't like religion or being called a christian. See the God I believe in is all powerful, all amazing, ever stable, unconditionally loving, He is everywhere at every time. The God I believe would not let your neighbor go hungry, would not cuss out the person who pissed you off in the store or make the write a nasty email to the person that broke his heart. My God is so great we could not even begin to comprehend. My God never stops amazing me!

See I wrote an email to some one and it was not sent out of love but it was sent out of anger and hurt. It took me about a month of feeling bad about the possibility of hurting this other person for me to finally send an apology. I pray it was recieved well and was ubderstood. I ask that that person someday will be able to forgive me and that that person is completely happy.

I know this post is all over the place. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. Hell, this blog has taken me 2 days to write. I had planned on talking mostly about the things I am reading in "Searching for God Knows What" , obviously that has not happened. So I suppose I am going to ramble a little bit more about what is going on in my head and heart.

First off I think I still maybe in love with my ex, and yet I am still moving on. I am seeing someone else, who is funny and cute and kind and treats me like a princess. Yet it still hurts to know that my ex is seeing someone else. I mean it is ok for me, but not for him. :0) Honestly I dont really believe I am in love with my ex, it was just a long period of my life that I am still trying to figure out how to take the good from those years and put them away in a special place. And also how to forget and forgive the bad times.

I think ended the relationship wouldn't be so difficult if I was not already grieving so many other things. My stress level is out of control. No wonder I have to take medicine for depression. I moved away from my comfort zone, from my family and people I thought were friends. One of the good things about moving away was finding out who my true friends were. I miss my family in the worst way. But I am getting to know my family here which is an opportunity that might not always be there. I love the south and the people here.

I think I needed to get away and figure things out, discover who I was again, find new adventure and spend time with folks that won't always be around. Soon I am going to learn how to get to Chapman Mountain so I can take some breath taking pictures. I moved from beautiful rivers, lakes, and falls to beautiful country skys and rolling hills. The air out here is lighter, less judgemental.

One of my biggests fears is that I will not be able to have children of my own someday, I think that is why I love being around children. I could be having the worst day and seeing Trinity's smile or playing with Brieanna will brighten my day in an instant! I dont know how I will ever leave them, perhaps I won't. See I think I have finally come to realize that I will never know what is going to happen in my future. A year ago I would have never imagined I would leave my home and move south. But here I am.

That is another thing about my God, you never know what he has instore for you. But I have to believe that my faith will get me through anything. Some people think that believeing in God is just a crutch. Only if they truely knew. Believing in God is not easy, having faith is trying and tiring. But it is worth every bit of it. Unfortunately there is not 3 step way to having a relationship with God. But I am ok with that. It makes God more believeable, see if He was NOT so amazingly more powerful than myself, so much more complex, then why believe. WHy believe in something you can fit in a jar and put away on a shelf till needed? I am going to end this jumbled up mess with another quote from Donald Miller's book.

"The thruth is there is a million steps... they are different for you and me and they are always changing. ...the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.

P.S. I am not one of the crazy bible thumpers I just am seeking the truth. And this is the truth I have discovered.

such is life

2008-08-20T20:21:00.000-05:00

So I no longer am employed, which is a mixed blessing. I hated working there. I can`t stand working with snotty nose kids. I was already looking for a new job, it just gave me more time to look for one. I have been on a couple interviews so far and have another tomorrow.
But not working does not help my depression in the least bit, nor does it help my finances.
People tell me my depression is in my head, just in my head. Like I should be able to wake up one morning and not have anxiety attacks or be depressed any longer. OK, that doesn`t happen. I wish, being depressed leaves you with no motivation, no wanting to do anything. Anxiety attacks are one of the worst things I have experienced.
Missing my family back home and my close friends doesn`t help either. Trying to figure out what I want sucks. I let my past relationship intertwine with my person too much, and I still am trying to get me back. Any suggestions would be appreciatated.

"Pills"

2008-07-25T15:59:00.001-05:00

PILLS

by the Perishers

I hope my smile can distract you

I hope my fists can fight for two

So it never has to show

And you’ll never know

I hope my love can blind you

I hope my arms can bind you

So you’ll never have to see

What we’ve grown to be

One may think we’re alright

But we need pills to sleep at night

We need lies to make it through the day

We’re not ok

One may think we’re doing fine

But if I had to lay it on the line

We’re losing ground with every passing day

We’re not ok

But that’s one thing

I would never

One thing I would never

That’s one thing

I would never say to you

what the hell is my problem

2008-07-24T12:22:00.000-05:00

Some times things are said and you don't regret them, however you do regret the motivation behind them or the way in which you said things to the other person.

See I was madly deeply in love with this man. We were very different, but enjoyed each others company. I never let my guard down. There is a handful (if that) of people that I trust and that I have aloud into my personal circle. Don't get me wrong I am a people person. I like hanging out with friends and interacting with people, but that does not mean they are aloud into the inner most part of me. For some reason this person was permitted to enter despite my better judgement. I let myself fall in love, which isn't so bad, but he never loved me. Sure he cared about me but I guess I just didn't do it for him. I had found out that there was other women he was talking with in a manner not appropriate for someone in a relationship. It broke my heart, it still does a little bit i guess. I gave 120% to him, and felt like if I just hung in there a little longer he would fall in love with me. I realized that was not going to happen. If it hadn't happened in 3 years why should I think anything would change. Needless to say I was hurt, I trusted this person with my everything. And I was betrayed. Sure maybe it was not an actual physical affair, but it was worse in a way because fantasy was better then the reality in front of him.
So I wrote him an email. See I didn't tell him about everything I knew while we were dating, i figured it didn't matter but it did. I was hurt badly. I ended the relationship because it wasn't fair for me to be with someone who couldn't love me and it was not fair for him to be with someone he didn't love. He deserves to be with someone he is crazy about. So I wrote him an email and told him how I felt and that I knew everything. I wanted him to know for 2 reasons. I was hurt and he wanted me to share my feelings about him with him not someone else, and 2, to let him know that when he is in a relationship he should not be able to get away with that. it is not ok to treat people like that.

I think I hurt him. Well I guess I did. He blogged about it, and said why bother saying anything if I was going to be negative and that I was young and immature, and bitter and vengeful. It has nothing to do with my age and I am actually pretty mature for my age. I was not being vengeful. As I look back on it perhaps I was feeling a little bitter, but because I was hurt and angry and upset, with nothing in return from him. I don't regret writing him the email, or the things I said. I wish I would have put more positive things in it, just to out way the negative a little bit, but what I said was the truth. I never met to hurt him, I just wanted to let him know so he didn't hurt anyone else in the future.

I am over him. I just wish I was over the hurt. The feeling of betrayal. One day at a time. I need to just look up and fall on my knees.

why?

2008-07-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

so i am curious why i can't be happy? my doctor put me on medicine, but i moved out of state and no longer have a doctor. i thought maybe it was in my head that i needed medicine. but maybe not. i had to go to the hospital the other and they asked if i had any suicidal thoughts. yes as a matter of fact i do. of course i told them no. of course i would rather be somewhere other then here. it would be great not to have to deal with shit anymore. but the minute you tell a professional you have those thoughts, they will lock you right away. i thought the sunshine would be good for me. i am ok most of the time. but not lately. i just don't know why i am depressed so much. i am so very very blessed i have a lot to be thankful for. what else do i need to do?

hmmm

2008-07-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

humans are funny creatures.

life is a funny journey

2008-07-13T16:16:00.000-05:00

i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
i missed the comfort
i missed the companion
i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
no more mistrust
no more jealousy
i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
i thought my heart would break in two
i didn't know if i would be whole
i learned such much
i grew with you be my side
i thought i was missing you
then i realized it wasn't true
i knew life would go on
i deserve so much more

decorated sky

2008-07-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

i look above and see the decorated sky and hear the music of the night. i wish he were here to hold me tight. i miss the costant look in his eyes, even though they showed nothing but hurt. the mystery behind the shaded pain was easily explained. strange the love i have for him. i feel used up and forgotten. yet everything i am missing his prickly kiss. this strange love of mine, holds me hostage with no escape. where do i go to ease the pain? will i ever be whole again? i gave me away and have no idea how to find me again. i look above and see the decorated sky and hear the music of the night. i realize i am discovering me again. perhaps one day it will be mine to give away again.

no more fire

2008-07-07T20:48:00.001-05:00

my heart breaks as i think of you.
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

i nearly cry as i realize
i may never see your light again
i nearly cry as my heart breaks in two
i may never feel your comfort once again

my heart breaks as i think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

lonely in the dark
my strength fades away
alone in the cold
my light fades to gray

my heart breaks as i think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

i hear a hushed whisper
i feel a slight warmth
i listen a little closer
there YOU are

my heart breaks as I think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

calling out in the darkness
straining to hear not realizing
only beautiful stillness is
required

my heart is healing
still in peices
soon there will be light again

from broken pieces to
a melded sculpture
i learn to hear the voice
in the hushed whisper

my heart is healing
still in pieces
soon there will be light again

2008-07-06T17:01:00.001-05:00

i don't think i can fight this fight much longer
i am tired of being sick and sick of being tired
i want to scale the city walls and not look back
but i dont know if I will ever find what i am looking for

2008-07-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

"A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love."