mercy ... grace... peace... not a 3 step formula

First let me start by saying that I am not too sure why I write. I don't think that anyone actually even reads this, so I suppose I could just write in a journal. writing has become some sort of outlet for me. So I continue.



See i posted a blog on my myspace ( myspace/notchrissy.com ) with song lyrics in it from jars of clay, worlds apart. It is a great song and it carries many memories for me. See I love Jesus. I hate to call myself a christian because it comes with so many bad ideas and stigmatisms. Because there are plenty of "christians that act more like jackasses then Christ like. To me loving Jesus means a few things. Some of which I suppose I will share and some of which I am still learning and some of which is personal. From what I can interpret from reading the Bible, God is a relational being so loving Jesus means being ina relationship with him. Since the day I made the decision to follow Christ, I have been trying to figure out exactly what that means.



I can tell you what it does not mean. It does not mean being judgemental. It does not mean to be vindictive and malicious. It means to forgive, to give folks a secound chance, to step up and love the unlovable. It means doing all the things that are easy, like asking some one for forgiveness when you have wronged them or letting someone's ignorant comment blow away in the breeze instead of snapping back. It means helping out the person that has hurt you the most.



I have been reading Searching for God knows What by Donald Miller. (Read BLUE LIKE JAZZ) and he talks about how there is no formula to put christianity into, not the ruthless hating protesting kind of christianaity, but the loving kind. See I don't like being called a christian, as I have said before and I don't like being called religious. I think donal miller explains it well for me. "The very scary thing about religion to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out, and as my (Donald Miller's) pastor, Rick, says, "disessected an put into jars on a shelf"" That is why I don't like religion or being called a christian. See the God I believe in is all powerful, all amazing, ever stable, unconditionally loving, He is everywhere at every time. The God I believe would not let your neighbor go hungry, would not cuss out the person who pissed you off in the store or make the write a nasty email to the person that broke his heart. My God is so great we could not even begin to comprehend. My God never stops amazing me!

See I wrote an email to some one and it was not sent out of love but it was sent out of anger and hurt. It took me about a month of feeling bad about the possibility of hurting this other person for me to finally send an apology. I pray it was recieved well and was ubderstood. I ask that that person someday will be able to forgive me and that that person is completely happy.

I know this post is all over the place. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. Hell, this blog has taken me 2 days to write. I had planned on talking mostly about the things I am reading in "Searching for God Knows What" , obviously that has not happened. So I suppose I am going to ramble a little bit more about what is going on in my head and heart.

First off I think I still maybe in love with my ex, and yet I am still moving on. I am seeing someone else, who is funny and cute and kind and treats me like a princess. Yet it still hurts to know that my ex is seeing someone else. I mean it is ok for me, but not for him. :0) Honestly I dont really believe I am in love with my ex, it was just a long period of my life that I am still trying to figure out how to take the good from those years and put them away in a special place. And also how to forget and forgive the bad times.

I think ended the relationship wouldn't be so difficult if I was not already grieving so many other things. My stress level is out of control. No wonder I have to take medicine for depression. I moved away from my comfort zone, from my family and people I thought were friends. One of the good things about moving away was finding out who my true friends were. I miss my family in the worst way. But I am getting to know my family here which is an opportunity that might not always be there. I love the south and the people here.

I think I needed to get away and figure things out, discover who I was again, find new adventure and spend time with folks that won't always be around. Soon I am going to learn how to get to Chapman Mountain so I can take some breath taking pictures. I moved from beautiful rivers, lakes, and falls to beautiful country skys and rolling hills. The air out here is lighter, less judgemental.

One of my biggests fears is that I will not be able to have children of my own someday, I think that is why I love being around children. I could be having the worst day and seeing Trinity's smile or playing with Brieanna will brighten my day in an instant! I dont know how I will ever leave them, perhaps I won't. See I think I have finally come to realize that I will never know what is going to happen in my future. A year ago I would have never imagined I would leave my home and move south. But here I am.

That is another thing about my God, you never know what he has instore for you. But I have to believe that my faith will get me through anything. Some people think that believeing in God is just a crutch. Only if they truely knew. Believing in God is not easy, having faith is trying and tiring. But it is worth every bit of it. Unfortunately there is not 3 step way to having a relationship with God. But I am ok with that. It makes God more believeable, see if He was NOT so amazingly more powerful than myself, so much more complex, then why believe. WHy believe in something you can fit in a jar and put away on a shelf till needed? I am going to end this jumbled up mess with another quote from Donald Miller's book.

"The thruth is there is a million steps... they are different for you and me and they are always changing. ...the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.

P.S. I am not one of the crazy bible thumpers I just am seeking the truth. And this is the truth I have discovered.

such is life

So I no longer am employed, which is a mixed blessing. I hated working there. I can`t stand working with snotty nose kids. I was already looking for a new job, it just gave me more time to look for one. I have been on a couple interviews so far and have another tomorrow.
But not working does not help my depression in the least bit, nor does it help my finances.
People tell me my depression is in my head, just in my head. Like I should be able to wake up one morning and not have anxiety attacks or be depressed any longer. OK, that doesn`t happen. I wish, being depressed leaves you with no motivation, no wanting to do anything. Anxiety attacks are one of the worst things I have experienced.
Missing my family back home and my close friends doesn`t help either. Trying to figure out what I want sucks. I let my past relationship intertwine with my person too much, and I still am trying to get me back. Any suggestions would be appreciatated.