Don't stop traveling

"I may never get there, but I won't stop traveling."
My brother and his girlfriend just ended there visit with me tonight. I took them to the bus station and said good bye. I think I am going to stop saying goodbye, I am not found of the word and the emotions that are attached to it. It was not an easy task letting them go back on the bus, but life is not easy or the journey through life. It has been a very difficult few months for me; more recently with the loss of my grandma. So, having them here was such a healing experience for me. The Lord has blessed me with one true good friend here. I am so thankful for that, but it is extremely trying at times without my small group and my family being down the street from me.
I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Meditating on the person that I was, the person that I am, the person that I want to be, and the person God intends me to be. It has been interesting, funny, and a little sad at times. I realized that in the past four years I have changed tremendously. I went from being this young woman "on fire for the Lord" full of hopes, dreams and aspiring for great things, to a sad young woman who did not stand up for herself and her wants and needs and who had lost the dream of what she could be. Those were the first three years of the previous four. This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. It has been a crazy year full of irresponsibilties and self discovery. In my last major relationship my ex was straight edge through and through, which was a good thing, and one of the many things I appreciated about him. It also helped to keep me out of a lot of trouble. Until now. A year alone, truely alone, no real relationship, no one to hold me accountable or say what the hell are you doing? I had fun most of the time. I have no responsibility to anyone other than myself, so I was able to goof off and not worry about it. Until now that is.
I realized that I am not going to get younger and I am running out of time to correct my mistakes, running out of time to say I will have it taken care of by the time I am thirty. I know I am not old or close to old. Some days I feel old, I feel worn down and beat up, I feel like I have an old soul. So now it is time to move on. Sure I could still keep the oarty going, but for what reason? I want more from life, I want my life to have more meaning than that. I want to be more. The dreams and aspirations of a younger more optomistic girl are starting to creep back. Have you ever had the sense that there is something more to life than all this day to day bull shit? I have that feeling in the very pit of my stomach everyday! If I know nothing at all I know that this is true, there is more, way more. I might not reach those stars while I am still breathing on this giant blue planet, but when day, when my time comes I will reach those stars and I will have that more that is promised to me. Until then I want to be on the best journey possible. Some times it is a struggle all the way up, however, there are the brief moments when you reach a small platue and things are even for what seems the briefest of time. It is at these times I need to be especially careful. We all do, these times can make us complacent and we get stuck there. I don't ever want to be stuck. I feel like I am stuck now, at least I was. My grandmother's unexpected death really woke me up....once I sobered uped. I want more for my life. So even though I honestly have those days that I want to give up, I want to end my journey right where I am, I won't. I may never get to where I am going, I may never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I will never stop traveling. The journey is long and the road is rough,; but if there are even brief encounters of joy and peace and true love, it is worth it in the end.

please forgive me

My head and heart spin in millions of different directions. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I suppose my expections are too high and there are too many holes to fix. I look around me and I see him the dark shadow standin just out of sight lingers near day and night. This little light is suppose to shine strong and bright but I wore out the batteries the fire is slowin dying.
i found the man of my dreams. He was sent from the stars above I thought just for me. This time around it was the hare that won. So much for slow and steady wins the race. I dont know what to think i dont know what to feel. I know have an addiction to a connection that's so real. It's surreal when you are loving me. I sometimes imagine the chemistry. I don't know how to say bye how do I let go when you are the only thing I have left? The fractions of moments I spent in your arms were enough to carry me through a life time, but so much has been ripped away.

Please forgive these tears. They are a special blend of joy and sorrow, the most bittersweet of all. I would still drink of it every opportunity. So please forgive me forgive my tears and my heart's desires.

Learning to crawl

Autopilot does not last forever. I speak this with way too much experience behind those words. I wish I knew how to cope better. I wish I believed it would get better with time. In my head I know my heart will never be the same. I tried to do the right thing. I suppose when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, sometimes there is no sugar.

There is so much happening, spinning and swirling around me I dont remember which direction I was going in. Loosing my grandma was hard. I was going through the motions and trying to stay a float but it is all a blur. Now I suppose I need to deal with but I don't know how when everything else is being stirred in the same pot. How do you seperate the different ingridients? I suppose you don't.

I know I need to crawl before I can walk but you is here to teach me to crawl?