standing on this side of glory

Do you remember the first time your fell and scrapped your knee and your dad picked you up and took care of you? Or how about the time when your first love broke your heart and you cried on your mom's shoulder the whole night and she held you tight and told you it was going to get better? Or do you remember the first time you got on your knees and prayed, I mean really prayed and accepted the gracious gift of the love of Christ?

The Lord has been so gracious to me, so merciful. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Why would the Almighty all powerful God care about me and what I do. I have written about what has been going on this past year and the changes in my life. Here's the thing I have become good at living almost a double life. I know the talk and I know the walk and it's easy to go throught the motions and let certain people see only certain aspects of your life. Well I take it back it really isn't easy to do, it is tiresome and heavy with burden. But all things hidden in darkness shall be brought to the light in God's timing.

I have found a church here which I love and adore. When I first moved south and was looking for a church to call home it wasn't hard to find a church building filled with people on a Sunday morning. However, finding a church that Christ ment the church to be was not as easy. It is the worst feeling in the world to walk into a place that is suppose to be welcoming and non judgemental but you know that you are being judged just because of the way you look. People see piercings and tattoos and different colored hair and assume they know all about you. So walking into a building that is filled with the spirit of love and mercy and kindness is a beautiful thing. My church is small and doesn't offer all the special little things that a larger church does. But it is filled with the love and hope of the promise of Christ. God's word is taught and desired there. People have not judged me because of the way I look or the fact that I am not sitting in a pew every time the doors are open.

During the past year the Lord has been working on my heart. At first it was a soft whisper that if I was quiet I could hear. I didn't listen very well. But the Lord has been steady at work. The more quiet I became and the more I yearned for the Lord, the more I could hear Him whispering to me. A few Sundays ago I was sitting in church listening to the teaching, wondering what the sermon had to do with me. My spirit cried out. I was convicted and wanted to fall on my knees right then and there; i still tried to ignore what the Spirit was telling me. It was made clear that I needed to start changing some things in my life. The Lord of course provided the way. I have been concerned that perhaps there is no hope of true change and then the Lord sent some encouragement. I was told the other day that my face looks brighter, perhaps I am allowing the light of Christ to shine through. At least I hope for that.

A good friend said to me the other day that it is wonderful to be on this side of the fence. Meaning that when we are in God's will and listening to what His Spirit is trying to tell us we are on the right side. This side of the fence and this side of glory is not always the easiest or the most comfortable. There is no other place I would rather be. Without Him what is there? My prayer is to be the woman He wants me to be, to let His light shine through me, and to try to be more like Jesus to those around me. I suppose that is my prayer for those around me too.

walls are crumbling down

i sit here and think
i lie here and question
am i running, running from You
So far from home such a long distance to travel
i have the world before me but i am so lost
I stretch out my hand to You and snatch it away
do you understand, do you know how it feels
sitting here thinking
lying here questioning
i have built a wall
a barrier to keep You out
looking for a way out
looking for a way to stay safe inside the walls
looking for a way to keep You out
You don't know what it's like
i sit here and ponder
i lie here asking You why
there is so much to do and so much to say
not enough time
You come knocking on the wall
looking for a way in
sitting here thinking
lying here wondering
how do i respond when I have kept You out so long
i have grown accustom to relying on me
independence and pride are the mortar
bitterness and malice the clay
i know what You say
say what You mean and mean what You say
how could You understand and how could You know
i sit here thinking
i lie here questioning
Your knock is getting softer
or is the wall getting thicker
You found a weak spot
You whisper through the crack
why do You call my name
why do You wait for me
here You come with a sledge hammer
what can one Man do
what can one Man say
i hear You calling
i see You coming and realize You never left
You do know
You do understand
the walls are crumbling down
i lay here bare scared to show You
tumbling down all around me
where do i go from here
sitting here thinking
lying here waiting
scared of what You might find
afraid of what You'll see

Please come rescue me

Moving Forward

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love. --John Brantner

Does grief ever stop? Does it ever hurt less to remember? Do memories of a better time ever stop being bittersweet? I have tried to detach. I have tried to allow my heart to become hard and brittle. It doesn't work for me. I honestly don't know how it works for people. My Creator made me, made all of us for relationship. To be in a relationship with HIM and with those around us. The desire to be with and to love on people is too great in me. It comes with a cost.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of anemotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system.Here lies the road to recovery.-- F. Alexander Magoun

I have shed many tears, enough for a life time of hurt and sorrow. I have tried to hold it in. That is like filling a bucket up with water and never shutting the hose pipe off. Eventually the extra water has to go some where and some times it causes damage. I recieved a phone call from an old friend about a month ago. He had a message for me. Which in and of itself does not sound all that strange or out of the ordinary. However it was how he recieved the message and who it was from. He simply told me to scream if I want too. I need to, I needed to hear that too. Sadly I still haven't taken the time. Maybe that is my problem with grief, I don't allow myself to grieve properly.

~ To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness ~ ~ To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness ~

So there I am walking through the dark valley, feeling alone and helpless at times. There are shadows lurking, most likely ghosts from the pasts or skeltons I try to keep hidden. The truth is I am not alone. The truth is that I have an inner joy and a peace. Some times my valley gets dark and cloudy. If I keep walking though the storm comes and it seems to clean everything up. It is the rejuvenating kind, the one that comes at the edge of a major drought. The truth is I want to be who my Creator has made me to be. I am not sure what that entails right now. During this time I need to allow HIM to show me who I am because of His sacrafice. The journey may be long or short. At times it takes all I have not to give up. But the end is so worth the trials of getting there.


“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Ashley Smith

Today I decide to move forward. Today I am going to fight for my dreams and today I am going to smile because what I have waiting for me at the end of all of this is better than anything I could ever imagine!

Don't stop traveling

"I may never get there, but I won't stop traveling."
My brother and his girlfriend just ended there visit with me tonight. I took them to the bus station and said good bye. I think I am going to stop saying goodbye, I am not found of the word and the emotions that are attached to it. It was not an easy task letting them go back on the bus, but life is not easy or the journey through life. It has been a very difficult few months for me; more recently with the loss of my grandma. So, having them here was such a healing experience for me. The Lord has blessed me with one true good friend here. I am so thankful for that, but it is extremely trying at times without my small group and my family being down the street from me.
I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Meditating on the person that I was, the person that I am, the person that I want to be, and the person God intends me to be. It has been interesting, funny, and a little sad at times. I realized that in the past four years I have changed tremendously. I went from being this young woman "on fire for the Lord" full of hopes, dreams and aspiring for great things, to a sad young woman who did not stand up for herself and her wants and needs and who had lost the dream of what she could be. Those were the first three years of the previous four. This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences and emotions. It has been a crazy year full of irresponsibilties and self discovery. In my last major relationship my ex was straight edge through and through, which was a good thing, and one of the many things I appreciated about him. It also helped to keep me out of a lot of trouble. Until now. A year alone, truely alone, no real relationship, no one to hold me accountable or say what the hell are you doing? I had fun most of the time. I have no responsibility to anyone other than myself, so I was able to goof off and not worry about it. Until now that is.
I realized that I am not going to get younger and I am running out of time to correct my mistakes, running out of time to say I will have it taken care of by the time I am thirty. I know I am not old or close to old. Some days I feel old, I feel worn down and beat up, I feel like I have an old soul. So now it is time to move on. Sure I could still keep the oarty going, but for what reason? I want more from life, I want my life to have more meaning than that. I want to be more. The dreams and aspirations of a younger more optomistic girl are starting to creep back. Have you ever had the sense that there is something more to life than all this day to day bull shit? I have that feeling in the very pit of my stomach everyday! If I know nothing at all I know that this is true, there is more, way more. I might not reach those stars while I am still breathing on this giant blue planet, but when day, when my time comes I will reach those stars and I will have that more that is promised to me. Until then I want to be on the best journey possible. Some times it is a struggle all the way up, however, there are the brief moments when you reach a small platue and things are even for what seems the briefest of time. It is at these times I need to be especially careful. We all do, these times can make us complacent and we get stuck there. I don't ever want to be stuck. I feel like I am stuck now, at least I was. My grandmother's unexpected death really woke me up....once I sobered uped. I want more for my life. So even though I honestly have those days that I want to give up, I want to end my journey right where I am, I won't. I may never get to where I am going, I may never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I will never stop traveling. The journey is long and the road is rough,; but if there are even brief encounters of joy and peace and true love, it is worth it in the end.

please forgive me

My head and heart spin in millions of different directions. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I suppose my expections are too high and there are too many holes to fix. I look around me and I see him the dark shadow standin just out of sight lingers near day and night. This little light is suppose to shine strong and bright but I wore out the batteries the fire is slowin dying.
i found the man of my dreams. He was sent from the stars above I thought just for me. This time around it was the hare that won. So much for slow and steady wins the race. I dont know what to think i dont know what to feel. I know have an addiction to a connection that's so real. It's surreal when you are loving me. I sometimes imagine the chemistry. I don't know how to say bye how do I let go when you are the only thing I have left? The fractions of moments I spent in your arms were enough to carry me through a life time, but so much has been ripped away.

Please forgive these tears. They are a special blend of joy and sorrow, the most bittersweet of all. I would still drink of it every opportunity. So please forgive me forgive my tears and my heart's desires.

Learning to crawl

Autopilot does not last forever. I speak this with way too much experience behind those words. I wish I knew how to cope better. I wish I believed it would get better with time. In my head I know my heart will never be the same. I tried to do the right thing. I suppose when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, sometimes there is no sugar.

There is so much happening, spinning and swirling around me I dont remember which direction I was going in. Loosing my grandma was hard. I was going through the motions and trying to stay a float but it is all a blur. Now I suppose I need to deal with but I don't know how when everything else is being stirred in the same pot. How do you seperate the different ingridients? I suppose you don't.

I know I need to crawl before I can walk but you is here to teach me to crawl?

spinnin round and round

i am so lost
my world has been turned upside down
spinning and spinning over and around again and again
mr grim seems to be all around me
takin those closest to me
smoke on some purple tryin to forget my woes
sip on some red drinkin the days away.
i dont know where to begin or where to end.
hundreds of miles away from my foundation
i dont know where to begin or where to end.