life, love, forgiveness....

So I have been doing a lot of thinking, which usually only gets me into trouble. I have been doing more praying, which I dont do enough of. But here's the thing I am messed up, we all are. I try to be constantly learning and growing, and I hope that I will never stop learning and growing, because if I stop then it's over. I had so much I needed to say, so much I needed to get out and I just can't compial my thoughts. I do know that I have a lot to learn about forgiveness. See the one thing I do know about it is that it is not a feeling but a decision and an action. But I have the hardest time forgiving certain people. When all I want is an acknowledgement of the wrong they did to me, not even an apology, just that person to admit they wronged me, I won't ever get it. There are only 2 people in my life that I want this from. One of those people is my biological mother. More recently I have started to let go of that. The other is my ex. I broke up with him, I did this for many reasons. But I love him with every fiber in my being. This makes for a lot of heart ache. I read about him from a 17 inch screen and know that he is happy with someone else. I suppose when you truely love someone you let them go because you want them to be happy, i mean truely happy, not content, not comfortable. The thing is this man that I was and slightly still am in love with wronged me in a few ways. Some how it all turned around to be my fault. I finally had the courage to tell him everything I knew and how hurt I was, and it was still my fault. I dont want an apology, or I love you, I, as I have stated before, was acknowledgement. I realize this is not going to happen. See I love Jesus, and I believe in his word. There is a lot in that book. But the 2 major points are love and forgiveness. Easier said then done. I have a hard time with fogiveness. I want acknowledgement of the wrong done before I forgive someone, but here is the thing, that is not the example jesus gave us. He didnt wait for us to say we were wrong, he forgave us first. There was so much that happened the past 3 years and I want in the worst way to come out of it a better woman. It is just taking a little longer than I would have hoped. I think that that I am on my way there. Not only did I loose my heart in my past relationship, but I lost who I was all together and my close relationship with the Lord. I remember how important reading God,s word is and spending time with him is. My ex is not the only one I need to forgive, I need to forgive, my birth mother and father. I need to forgive myself. See I know I am not perfect, I have done some things I am not so proud of. For that I am sorry, and I ask for forgiveness. My mom once told me that you will make the most mistakes in your 20s, well I am ready for my 20s to be over. I am ready to start loveing those who are not lovable and forgiving those that I feel so hurt by.