humbled and other ramblings

Have you ever felt like someone just took the rug right from under your feet and let you fall flat on your face? Have you thought that "Yea i deserved that". I thought perhaps I have felt that way I have been in that spot before. Perhaps I have, but if one thing is for sure it is that I am in that spot right now. My God has knocked me off my pedestal and is bringing me back to him. Praise Jesus He has never taken His grace from me. Yes I am humbled, and I am being broken. But what a marvelous place to be sitting in. It sucks, but it's like that analogy of the refiner. i tried to tell the story of the refiner but i did it no justice so this is what a refiner does and how it relates to my God in my life.

"...As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

See God is holding me in his fire, and he will not take his eyes off me until the day he sees his image in me. I pray he keeps his eyes on me and keeps me in the center of that fire till the day He calls me home. I know that I am so far from perfect and so far from being like him that it is going to take my whole life being held in the center of the fire.

Some days will be easier then others. Some days I am going to feel the heat like no other. But i pray and beg that I will keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of my life. Being broken hurts, it hurts right down to the core of my very being. But it is so worth it.

So I have written a lot about Patrick and how hurt and sadden I am by that relationship. When I ended the relationship I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. I knew that there were going to be nights that I cried myself to sleep, and I knew there were going to be days that were unbareably lonely. I did expect that to end relatively soon though. I did not think that four months later I would still be feeling the same way. The relationship had some really good things going for it. But there were too many aspects of the relationship that were not healthy. By the end of our 3 year journey together I think we were both pretty miserable. There were many things I had given up to make a man happy, I gave up myself, My relationship with my Creator, the closeness I had with my family and many more things. I could tell that he was not happy, not with me anyway, not any more. I loved him with my whole being, and I would do anything to ensure his happiness. Even if that ment ended ourrelationship. So that is what I did. Boy, what a adventure that has been.

The thing is I think I am finally ok. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little every now and again. But I know that God has this amazing other person out there for me. Someone I have known for most of my life told me one time that when she thinks of my future she sees in this wonderful marriage, the kind that folks are jealous. She sees me with a person that evens me out but still has the same kind of passion I do. I can't wait!

I realize more and more everyday how incredibly blessed I am. I just have this gut feeling that if I allow God to work his hands in my life there are great things for me. Let me rephrase that, He is going to use me for hisgreat things. I have a passion for the love of Christ and I want to share that with everyone. I was always terrified to speak in public in front of anybody, much less large groups of people. Now I have a great desire to be a speaker of Gods truth to huge groups of people! First I need to get through the next few years and really learns some life lessons. Or as my friend refers to them, lessons to the heart.