the teasing is flirting
how could i not have known what was coming
i was thinking about you last night, that is not good
there in the quite crowd
there up the three flights
there you slowly and gently lifted your hand to my face
ever so slightly you moved the hair from my eyes
carefully your lips moved closed to mine
ever so softly you touch yours to mine
in the quiet loudness we were some place else
this is not love perhaps lust
but it makes me feel alive again
it reminds me i am a woman
it tells me i am beautiful
i run my tounge over my lips
and you give me that look
the one that tells me not to stop but if i dont
you take to me a place
a place that i dont really know
one that has been locked away and not shown the light of day
there is something that stands in the way
should i run in the other direction
do i show you who i am
thank you for opening these forbidden doors
but are you going to walk through or just stand in the doorway
Sunday, October 12, 2008
talk is cheap
I sometimes get overwhelmed when I realize how incrediably blessed I am. Not because I have so much, not because I have tons of money not because of any other reason then I am loved. Somebody recently told my aunt that I was spoiled. It got me to thinking that I am in a way. I don't have a lot of material things, nor do I have tons of money. See I have some folks that I call family, and they consider me family. Growing up in my home was not the most pleasantexperience for me, it was quite the opposite, but the good Lord had some thing planned for me (as He always does).
My family is made up of a wonderful mother (the best i think), who is simply a woman of God that took me under her wing and mentored me and became a surregant mother; a father who is full of quirks and some how I am very much like him considering I am not his blood daughter ( nuture won out on this one i suppose); four brothers (their sons) a great sister in law and an incredibly awsome nephew! See they choose to have me in their family, which makes it all that more special. I dont think that I will ever be able to express my gratitude for them, I pray that one day I will be able to return the favor. So I suppose in that way I am spoiled. I also have a few select folks in my biological family that care alot about me and I live in a stable home.
I recently moved south, for how long I am not sure. It has been a learning experience for me, as I was hoping it would be. I am learning to be me again, I am getting to know my biological dad's side of the family more, I am finding my passion for life and love and the Lord again. I am discovering what MY goals are and what MY interests are. One thing that I learned is that I dont ever want to become bitter and cold toward people and life. I see what it does to people and frankly it is just plain ugly. I dont need, nor do I want a man in my life to make me happy. For a long time I didnt think I was anything special. For a few reasons I thought this. One was because I did not listen to what God said about me and the other reason is because my significant other acted as though I was nothing special for far too long. Well I am slowly discovering that I am a beautiful person inside and out. Men find me attractive, who knew. I have learned that people are hateful no matter who they are are to you, but I dont have to be this way. I can continue to love on people because that is what I am called to do.
I say all these things and am slowly putting my words into action. Honestly it is easier for me to be hatefully back and to judge and just simply be bitch. But deep down I dont think that is the way I am. I am learning to be me. I am also learning what is special to me and what are the things I like to do. After 3 years of doing what someone else always wanted to do i forgot what I like. Some one recently asked me what are some things that I enjoy. This should not have been a hard question, but sadly it was. So lots of learning.
A few years ago I went to a conference at my home church. I dont remember much from it. However, the one thing that I do remember is that the speaker basically said that we should not let the way people treat us or react to us effect the way we treat them or act toward them. We never know what happened to that person before their interaction with us, it may not have been a pleasant one, so treat them with kindness and respect no matter what and give them the benefit of the doubt. It does no good to let things bother us. So I try, I am not always successful at it, but I try to find the good in all people and try to see things from their perspective. I pray that the Lord teaches me to do this more and more every day.
My family is made up of a wonderful mother (the best i think), who is simply a woman of God that took me under her wing and mentored me and became a surregant mother; a father who is full of quirks and some how I am very much like him considering I am not his blood daughter ( nuture won out on this one i suppose); four brothers (their sons) a great sister in law and an incredibly awsome nephew! See they choose to have me in their family, which makes it all that more special. I dont think that I will ever be able to express my gratitude for them, I pray that one day I will be able to return the favor. So I suppose in that way I am spoiled. I also have a few select folks in my biological family that care alot about me and I live in a stable home.
I recently moved south, for how long I am not sure. It has been a learning experience for me, as I was hoping it would be. I am learning to be me again, I am getting to know my biological dad's side of the family more, I am finding my passion for life and love and the Lord again. I am discovering what MY goals are and what MY interests are. One thing that I learned is that I dont ever want to become bitter and cold toward people and life. I see what it does to people and frankly it is just plain ugly. I dont need, nor do I want a man in my life to make me happy. For a long time I didnt think I was anything special. For a few reasons I thought this. One was because I did not listen to what God said about me and the other reason is because my significant other acted as though I was nothing special for far too long. Well I am slowly discovering that I am a beautiful person inside and out. Men find me attractive, who knew. I have learned that people are hateful no matter who they are are to you, but I dont have to be this way. I can continue to love on people because that is what I am called to do.
I say all these things and am slowly putting my words into action. Honestly it is easier for me to be hatefully back and to judge and just simply be bitch. But deep down I dont think that is the way I am. I am learning to be me. I am also learning what is special to me and what are the things I like to do. After 3 years of doing what someone else always wanted to do i forgot what I like. Some one recently asked me what are some things that I enjoy. This should not have been a hard question, but sadly it was. So lots of learning.
A few years ago I went to a conference at my home church. I dont remember much from it. However, the one thing that I do remember is that the speaker basically said that we should not let the way people treat us or react to us effect the way we treat them or act toward them. We never know what happened to that person before their interaction with us, it may not have been a pleasant one, so treat them with kindness and respect no matter what and give them the benefit of the doubt. It does no good to let things bother us. So I try, I am not always successful at it, but I try to find the good in all people and try to see things from their perspective. I pray that the Lord teaches me to do this more and more every day.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
electric
i look over my shoulder and there you are
you stand at about 5'8 taller than me
there is something about the way you look at me
it takes a while i am not easily caught
i guard what i have
because what i have is not a lot
but there is the way you look and me
it takes me a while to catch on
a twinkle in my eye and a slight smirk on my face
i am head over heals for you
girl you must know that i am head over heals for you
like little kids we play
you toss something in my direction
i throw a comment your way
i see you more on "A" days then my family
one morning you ask a simple question
i give a simple answere
girl you know you are gonna get me in trouble
dont look at me that way
some how i am captivated
i let down the gaurd just enough to let you see in a little
please come help me i dont know where this is
just so we could have a few moments alone
i will find ways to bring you closer to me
does he know what he is asking for
girl i just want to touch you
is your skin soft
up three flights of stairs we go and slowly walk down the see-through floor.
girl if you look at me with those eyes....
those eyes are going to cause trouble
then the slight touch of your strong hand
first you slip it on one side then the other hand on the the right
you draw me ever so close
not too close, that will cause problems
but that touch sends hot chills up my spine
a feeling that has not been there in a while
it electrifies my soul
who knew a simple touch could ignite such a big flame
i had forgot that was there
you stand at about 5'8 taller than me
there is something about the way you look at me
it takes a while i am not easily caught
i guard what i have
because what i have is not a lot
but there is the way you look and me
it takes me a while to catch on
a twinkle in my eye and a slight smirk on my face
i am head over heals for you
girl you must know that i am head over heals for you
like little kids we play
you toss something in my direction
i throw a comment your way
i see you more on "A" days then my family
one morning you ask a simple question
i give a simple answere
girl you know you are gonna get me in trouble
dont look at me that way
some how i am captivated
i let down the gaurd just enough to let you see in a little
please come help me i dont know where this is
just so we could have a few moments alone
i will find ways to bring you closer to me
does he know what he is asking for
girl i just want to touch you
is your skin soft
up three flights of stairs we go and slowly walk down the see-through floor.
girl if you look at me with those eyes....
those eyes are going to cause trouble
then the slight touch of your strong hand
first you slip it on one side then the other hand on the the right
you draw me ever so close
not too close, that will cause problems
but that touch sends hot chills up my spine
a feeling that has not been there in a while
it electrifies my soul
who knew a simple touch could ignite such a big flame
i had forgot that was there
humbled and other ramblings
Have you ever felt like someone just took the rug right from under your feet and let you fall flat on your face? Have you thought that "Yea i deserved that". I thought perhaps I have felt that way I have been in that spot before. Perhaps I have, but if one thing is for sure it is that I am in that spot right now. My God has knocked me off my pedestal and is bringing me back to him. Praise Jesus He has never taken His grace from me. Yes I am humbled, and I am being broken. But what a marvelous place to be sitting in. It sucks, but it's like that analogy of the refiner. i tried to tell the story of the refiner but i did it no justice so this is what a refiner does and how it relates to my God in my life.
"...As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."
See God is holding me in his fire, and he will not take his eyes off me until the day he sees his image in me. I pray he keeps his eyes on me and keeps me in the center of that fire till the day He calls me home. I know that I am so far from perfect and so far from being like him that it is going to take my whole life being held in the center of the fire.
Some days will be easier then others. Some days I am going to feel the heat like no other. But i pray and beg that I will keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of my life. Being broken hurts, it hurts right down to the core of my very being. But it is so worth it.
So I have written a lot about Patrick and how hurt and sadden I am by that relationship. When I ended the relationship I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. I knew that there were going to be nights that I cried myself to sleep, and I knew there were going to be days that were unbareably lonely. I did expect that to end relatively soon though. I did not think that four months later I would still be feeling the same way. The relationship had some really good things going for it. But there were too many aspects of the relationship that were not healthy. By the end of our 3 year journey together I think we were both pretty miserable. There were many things I had given up to make a man happy, I gave up myself, My relationship with my Creator, the closeness I had with my family and many more things. I could tell that he was not happy, not with me anyway, not any more. I loved him with my whole being, and I would do anything to ensure his happiness. Even if that ment ended ourrelationship. So that is what I did. Boy, what a adventure that has been.
The thing is I think I am finally ok. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little every now and again. But I know that God has this amazing other person out there for me. Someone I have known for most of my life told me one time that when she thinks of my future she sees in this wonderful marriage, the kind that folks are jealous. She sees me with a person that evens me out but still has the same kind of passion I do. I can't wait!
I realize more and more everyday how incredibly blessed I am. I just have this gut feeling that if I allow God to work his hands in my life there are great things for me. Let me rephrase that, He is going to use me for hisgreat things. I have a passion for the love of Christ and I want to share that with everyone. I was always terrified to speak in public in front of anybody, much less large groups of people. Now I have a great desire to be a speaker of Gods truth to huge groups of people! First I need to get through the next few years and really learns some life lessons. Or as my friend refers to them, lessons to the heart.
"...As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."
See God is holding me in his fire, and he will not take his eyes off me until the day he sees his image in me. I pray he keeps his eyes on me and keeps me in the center of that fire till the day He calls me home. I know that I am so far from perfect and so far from being like him that it is going to take my whole life being held in the center of the fire.
Some days will be easier then others. Some days I am going to feel the heat like no other. But i pray and beg that I will keep my eyes fixed on the author and perfecter of my life. Being broken hurts, it hurts right down to the core of my very being. But it is so worth it.
So I have written a lot about Patrick and how hurt and sadden I am by that relationship. When I ended the relationship I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. I knew that there were going to be nights that I cried myself to sleep, and I knew there were going to be days that were unbareably lonely. I did expect that to end relatively soon though. I did not think that four months later I would still be feeling the same way. The relationship had some really good things going for it. But there were too many aspects of the relationship that were not healthy. By the end of our 3 year journey together I think we were both pretty miserable. There were many things I had given up to make a man happy, I gave up myself, My relationship with my Creator, the closeness I had with my family and many more things. I could tell that he was not happy, not with me anyway, not any more. I loved him with my whole being, and I would do anything to ensure his happiness. Even if that ment ended ourrelationship. So that is what I did. Boy, what a adventure that has been.
The thing is I think I am finally ok. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little every now and again. But I know that God has this amazing other person out there for me. Someone I have known for most of my life told me one time that when she thinks of my future she sees in this wonderful marriage, the kind that folks are jealous. She sees me with a person that evens me out but still has the same kind of passion I do. I can't wait!
I realize more and more everyday how incredibly blessed I am. I just have this gut feeling that if I allow God to work his hands in my life there are great things for me. Let me rephrase that, He is going to use me for hisgreat things. I have a passion for the love of Christ and I want to share that with everyone. I was always terrified to speak in public in front of anybody, much less large groups of people. Now I have a great desire to be a speaker of Gods truth to huge groups of people! First I need to get through the next few years and really learns some life lessons. Or as my friend refers to them, lessons to the heart.
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