...whispering...

...because whispering into the wind never feels right...

The year 2008 has been full of twists and turns and adventures and heart ache and misery and joy. I dealt with the death of my best friend, because for the first 6 months I pretended it didnt happen. I was in love with a man that at that time could never love me. Much to my dismay we were not ment to be, I was not good for him, he was not good for me. I had to end that relationship, which was extremely difficult.

"the memory of loving you, time won't take that away. it'ld be easier to die"

I loved Patrick. I loved him with my definition of love and with his. By the time our relationship was over I was in a horrible place. I didn't know me, I had no slef respect or esteem and I realized I didnt really know him, because he didnt want me to. But it is ok. I was heart broken for a long long time, but i ended the relationship not just for me but because i wanted him to be happy and happy was not with me.

i struggled a lot with this relationship, my feelings for this man and my emotional state during the relationship and after the relationship. thankfully i serve a great God and He is faithful and He pulled me through a dark dark time.

"one day at a time -- this is enough. do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."

one day at a time, i had to live that out to it's fullest meaning. there were some days i had to live out one minute at a time. i made it another year. i hope that i have learned much and that i have given as much as possible.

"...there are people that cross our lives in tiny fractions of time in the briefest of encounters and yet they leave an indebtable mark in our hearts and our minds..."

I have been blessed to have many great people cross my path. I hope that I have been able to learn something from each one and that i, one day, will be able to leave a mark in someone's life the way they have mine. ended my relationship caused me great pain. being in that relationship caused me great pain. "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end. " ~ Benjamin Disraeli. i didnt want it to end, but the Lord knew that it needed too, and so it did. it had to. " Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one - neglect. " --James Bryden. It was deing and taking me with it.

I wouldnt give up even a secound of that relationship. even the nights i cried myself to sleep. i learned from the man that i loved so much and i pray that he learned something from me too. "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" my pray for the future is that i dont become hard hearted but that i become stronger and learn to compromise instead of giving up who i am.

so now i have dealt with the loss of my relationship and still try to deal with the loss of my friend whose life was taken quite suddenly. it causes me great saddness to think that my dear friend will not be at my wedding or see my children. it causes a deep hurt to think that he is not out there loving on people because that what Jesus does. but he was one of those people that crossed my life and left me different.

"Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, "Yes," and hope will reappear." -- Monroe Forester

i have hope for the future. my Creator has taught me more about myself in the past 6 months than i had learned in the past 3 years. I pray I will be open to what He has in store for me and I pray i will allow Him to mold me into the woman that He has called me to be. Good bye my dear sad friend of 2008. i welcome changes and growth and new experience and new love in 2009!

thank you to all those that have left an impact on my life, even if at the time it was painful even if i hadn't realized until now how wonderful it was to have you there.