why?

so i am curious why i can't be happy? my doctor put me on medicine, but i moved out of state and no longer have a doctor. i thought maybe it was in my head that i needed medicine. but maybe not. i had to go to the hospital the other and they asked if i had any suicidal thoughts. yes as a matter of fact i do. of course i told them no. of course i would rather be somewhere other then here. it would be great not to have to deal with shit anymore. but the minute you tell a professional you have those thoughts, they will lock you right away. i thought the sunshine would be good for me. i am ok most of the time. but not lately. i just don't know why i am depressed so much. i am so very very blessed i have a lot to be thankful for. what else do i need to do?