"Pills"

PILLS

by the Perishers

I hope my smile can distract you

I hope my fists can fight for two

So it never has to show

And you’ll never know

I hope my love can blind you

I hope my arms can bind you

So you’ll never have to see

What we’ve grown to be

One may think we’re alright

But we need pills to sleep at night

We need lies to make it through the day

We’re not ok

One may think we’re doing fine

But if I had to lay it on the line

We’re losing ground with every passing day

We’re not ok

But that’s one thing

I would never

One thing I would never

That’s one thing

I would never say to you

what the hell is my problem

Some times things are said and you don't regret them, however you do regret the motivation behind them or the way in which you said things to the other person.

See I was madly deeply in love with this man. We were very different, but enjoyed each others company. I never let my guard down. There is a handful (if that) of people that I trust and that I have aloud into my personal circle. Don't get me wrong I am a people person. I like hanging out with friends and interacting with people, but that does not mean they are aloud into the inner most part of me. For some reason this person was permitted to enter despite my better judgement. I let myself fall in love, which isn't so bad, but he never loved me. Sure he cared about me but I guess I just didn't do it for him. I had found out that there was other women he was talking with in a manner not appropriate for someone in a relationship. It broke my heart, it still does a little bit i guess. I gave 120% to him, and felt like if I just hung in there a little longer he would fall in love with me. I realized that was not going to happen. If it hadn't happened in 3 years why should I think anything would change. Needless to say I was hurt, I trusted this person with my everything. And I was betrayed. Sure maybe it was not an actual physical affair, but it was worse in a way because fantasy was better then the reality in front of him.
So I wrote him an email. See I didn't tell him about everything I knew while we were dating, i figured it didn't matter but it did. I was hurt badly. I ended the relationship because it wasn't fair for me to be with someone who couldn't love me and it was not fair for him to be with someone he didn't love. He deserves to be with someone he is crazy about. So I wrote him an email and told him how I felt and that I knew everything. I wanted him to know for 2 reasons. I was hurt and he wanted me to share my feelings about him with him not someone else, and 2, to let him know that when he is in a relationship he should not be able to get away with that. it is not ok to treat people like that.

I think I hurt him. Well I guess I did. He blogged about it, and said why bother saying anything if I was going to be negative and that I was young and immature, and bitter and vengeful. It has nothing to do with my age and I am actually pretty mature for my age. I was not being vengeful. As I look back on it perhaps I was feeling a little bitter, but because I was hurt and angry and upset, with nothing in return from him. I don't regret writing him the email, or the things I said. I wish I would have put more positive things in it, just to out way the negative a little bit, but what I said was the truth. I never met to hurt him, I just wanted to let him know so he didn't hurt anyone else in the future.

I am over him. I just wish I was over the hurt. The feeling of betrayal. One day at a time. I need to just look up and fall on my knees.

why?

so i am curious why i can't be happy? my doctor put me on medicine, but i moved out of state and no longer have a doctor. i thought maybe it was in my head that i needed medicine. but maybe not. i had to go to the hospital the other and they asked if i had any suicidal thoughts. yes as a matter of fact i do. of course i told them no. of course i would rather be somewhere other then here. it would be great not to have to deal with shit anymore. but the minute you tell a professional you have those thoughts, they will lock you right away. i thought the sunshine would be good for me. i am ok most of the time. but not lately. i just don't know why i am depressed so much. i am so very very blessed i have a lot to be thankful for. what else do i need to do?

hmmm

humans are funny creatures.

life is a funny journey

i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
i missed the comfort
i missed the companion
i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
no more mistrust
no more jealousy
i thought i was missing you
but it couldn't be
i thought my heart would break in two
i didn't know if i would be whole
i learned such much
i grew with you be my side
i thought i was missing you
then i realized it wasn't true
i knew life would go on
i deserve so much more

decorated sky

i look above and see the decorated sky and hear the music of the night. i wish he were here to hold me tight. i miss the costant look in his eyes, even though they showed nothing but hurt. the mystery behind the shaded pain was easily explained. strange the love i have for him. i feel used up and forgotten. yet everything i am missing his prickly kiss. this strange love of mine, holds me hostage with no escape. where do i go to ease the pain? will i ever be whole again? i gave me away and have no idea how to find me again. i look above and see the decorated sky and hear the music of the night. i realize i am discovering me again. perhaps one day it will be mine to give away again.

no more fire

my heart breaks as i think of you.
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

i nearly cry as i realize
i may never see your light again
i nearly cry as my heart breaks in two
i may never feel your comfort once again

my heart breaks as i think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

lonely in the dark
my strength fades away
alone in the cold
my light fades to gray

my heart breaks as i think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

i hear a hushed whisper
i feel a slight warmth
i listen a little closer
there YOU are

my heart breaks as I think of you
no longer fire in the crowds
no longer light in the streets

calling out in the darkness
straining to hear not realizing
only beautiful stillness is
required

my heart is healing
still in peices
soon there will be light again

from broken pieces to
a melded sculpture
i learn to hear the voice
in the hushed whisper


my heart is healing
still in pieces
soon there will be light again

i don't think i can fight this fight much longer
i am tired of being sick and sick of being tired
i want to scale the city walls and not look back
but i dont know if I will ever find what i am looking for

"A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love."